Amusing Quotes

"Operator! Give me the number for 911."

-Homer Simpson

"I am definitely going to take a course on time management... just as soon as I can work it into my schedule."

-Louis E. Boone

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."
-Albert Einstein

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

-Groucho Marx

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."

-Rita Rudner

"I think we consider too much on the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm."

-Theodore Roosevelt

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

-Ellen Degeneres

"Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself."

-Ack J C

"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."

-anonymous

"Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all."

-Abraham Lincoln

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

-Socrates

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "

-Larry Miller

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."

-Eric Morecambe

"Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money."

-Jackie Mason